Blog #21— So, You’re New To BDSM?

Mistrix Sunmi’s tangible & practical guide for BDSM newbies.

Are YOU fresh meat? My sincerest welcome!
You’ve come to the right place. BDSM can be very overwhelming and scary at first. There is a lot to learn, a lot to experience, and most likely, a lot of shame & fears to work through. Take a deep breath and pat yourself on the back. One of the biggest first steps is accepting that you’re kinky. Having a fetish or being drawn to playing with power exchange can often be a life-changing revelation. Let’s be honest, you’ve probably known that you’re kinky for a long time, but only now are you allowing yourself to explore it. It’s a natural journey we all go through. Our society is not always accepting, so it can be hard to admit, especially for those of us who have experienced trauma, were raised religious, and/or have taboo desires. Let’s dive in.

Connect with Yourself First

If you can, my advice is to always start within. It’s important to do self-reflection on your desires, limits, triggers, and fantasies. Before you play with someone else, take time to play with yourself. Through masturbation, reading erotica, watching porn, reading BDSM books, or talking to trusted friends, it’s important to connect with your mind and body to understand what turns you on.

One of the things I LOVE most about BDSM is the consent culture. Here in kink, it provides a space where we can unapologetically state our wants, needs, and desires. BDSM is also a place where we do NOT have to do anything we do not want to do—i.e., our “hard limits.” Determining what you want or don’t want is especially hard when you are new. As a beginner, you may find that something you fantasize about may actually be unenjoyable or triggering when you act it out in real life. Or you may play with someone and not even realize you have a hard limit or trigger until you’re already in the middle of a scene. This is why playing with safe words is mandatory for beginners. There are a lot of emotional, physical, and spiritual risks in BDSM. It could open Pandora’s box, so it’s always my first recommendation to explore BDSM solo first.

How do you learn what you like or don’t like?
Learn about a wide variety of kinks. Explore on yourself— some examples: buy pink panties, hit your own balls, try anal on yourself, or tie a belt around your ankles just to see how it feels. Keep it low stakes, where you feel safe and comfortable. (I will say, DO NOT try breath play on yourself at home) Write down what turns you on AND what turns you off. This is valuable knowledge when you first start out, because there will be pressure on you once you “enter the scene” to self-identify. People will ask you for example, “so you are submissive? masochist? puppy?” People want to categorize you in community because they want to see if you two will be compatible or have kinks in common- ultimately it’s a way to bond or understand each other. It is perfectly okay to have no idea what you like—it’s all part of the journey. As someone who has been actively involved for almost 10 years, my sexual appetites change all the time—it keeps kink fun. The learning never ends.

Connect with Community

If you ARE able to attend in-person events or classes, I highly recommend connecting with your local community. Going to your first play party may be very nerve-wracking, but there is SO much to gain simply from going and voyeuristically watching. You will be amazed by how healing it can be for internalized kink shame to connect with others who share your kinks. Attend classes, support your local sex shops, and find online communities. I’ve always loved FetLife for finding events and connecting with kink groups. Follow me on FetLife HERE.

Not everyone can or does have access to the “BDSM community.” BDSM isn’t always accessible to everyone. For example, classes can be expensive, dungeons may not be wheelchair accessible, and events may be too far away. If you’re only able to explore kink in private, or if you live in a small town, you may not be able to connect with or find play partners easily.

People hire pro-dommes for an endless number of reasons. One of the big reasons people book to play with me is that they may need discretion and privacy. Another reason is that I see folks with different disabilities, so they hire someone who is competent and nonjudgmental to play with. Or maybe you cannot find a play partner who is into or skilled in your more niche fetishes like medfet, ABDL, FTT or leather suspension. Most of all, a LOT of my subs who see me are exploring kink for the first time ever. I get a lot of BDSM virgins or newbies—these folks have entrusted me to provide a safe, nonjudgmental, and educational space for them to ease into their desires. If you do not have a clear idea of your desires, soft or hard limits, you can test them out with certified and trusted professionals who can expertly guide you through your first time. You can apply to play with me HERE.

Stay Safe & Have FUN

Kink is inherently risky. The dangers and unpredictability make it erotic, exciting, and FUN. The erotic thrill of putting your trust and submission into someone else’s hands is a huge act of bravery. There is SO much to gain from your first dive into kink. BDSM helps me uncover and reclaim my desires and my connection to my body and pleasure. The theatrical nature of roleplay and power exchange has transformed my life in ways that have empowered me in every area of my life.

Be wary of a phenomenon called 'sub frenzy,' which occurs when people who are new to BDSM get so excited that they want to dive in too quickly. When you're new to the scene, you are the most inexperienced and, therefore, most vulnerable to being preyed upon by abusers. Aka people who know that you’re too new to even understand how to vet properly. Vetting is the process of getting to know someone before playing, asking for references, and learning about their community reputation to determine if they are a safe and compatible match to play with.

So, be careful, protect your sacred sexual energy, go slow, and use your safe words more than you think you need to.

Some final wisdom for submissives: As a person on this earth and as a submissive, you hold so much power. Handing control over to a trusted dominant and surrendering yourself is one of the most intimate things you can do. With the right fit, when you leave a scene, you should feel even more empowered than before. BDSM builds you up, no matter what end of the slash you are on. Your submission is a gift. Never forget that.